Meds Update

So I am 4 days into what I like to call the "hard core" shit. And so far so good. I am keeping track of how much water I am drinking, very important to stay hydrated. I do not feel anything yet, except for gas and an upset stomach. Friday will be the BIG reveal to see what is going on in there and what is growing (or not). My antral follicle count was 28 so let"s all cross our fingers that some of them are growing nice and plump. This mooring I imagined my ovaries like big grapes on a vine getting all plump and juicy. I have to think that positive imagery and energy will only do me good. I feel more positive than I ever have before (thank you Zoloft for getting me through this). Ha!! Now my secret is out, stay calm compliments of Zoloft ha!

So I will breath easy after Friday's appointment, Nurse Ratchet will be able to give me an idea of when retrieval will be after seeing how I am responding to the meds.
And a recap on the meds:
6/15/09-6/26/09:
10cc Lupron

6/27/09-?
Morning:
.5cc Lupron
150 IU Follistim

Evening
150 Follistim
Prenatal Vitamin
Tonight will be my last PM shot then I am down to just morning shots. Unless Friday finds me not responding to the meds and I might be back. We will see!!!!

TMI.....

So...I have to say I have nothig but respect for anyone who has gone through this process more than once. I KNOW that I could not do this again, mentally or physically. It is amazing to me just how strong you have to be. I am on my second period of the month now. or so I guess....I think my poor body is just so confused at the moment. I had what they call "break through bleeding" for like 7 days just stopped finally last week. And last night all of sudden here come cramps again and more need for femine products. And it dawned on me this morning while I was driving ro work...."embrace the process". Don't hate it don't fight it. Just go with it and let it move like the energy in the universe around you. So that is my mantra for the day, for the weekend. Let it move through me and embrace the process.

It is so hard not to skip ahead and start thinking about all the wonderful "baby" things I could buiy, or how we would tell family. I seriously had to picture myself pushing those thoughts out of my head. Just like Adelle says..."I build my self up, and fly around in circles waiting as my heart drops..." And that is what I do time and time again. I imagine all these wonderful things and scenarios only to be utterly dissapointed in the end. so there is a fine line between being hopeful and positive and setting oneself up for a hard fall. I can only stand by and watch as if this is someone else's journey and wait to see what happens.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen."

The Money Shot

I call this the Money Shot...because this is what $3,000 in Medication Looks like. No good IVF Blog wouold be right with out the gratuitous "Meds picture".

Well, so yesterday's appointment went VERY well. Nurse Ratchet and I made up. She has given me the green light to start my stim meds! I start this Saturday, go back for stim check on July 3rd, back again July 6th. And retrieval is somewhere between July 8th-10th. That is like 2 weeks away! I freaked out a little thinking about just how close I am to what I have DREAMED of for so long! So many emotions. Scared, excited. I am trying to keep my composure and not jump ahead of myself. Concentrate on today and not 2 weeks from now. Take it as it comes and not jump ahead. It feels so real right now, and that is more than I have had in last 4 years! I am cautiously hopeful.

And our deal is if this does not work I get a puppy and he gets a house boat. We will drowned our sorrows in material things. Well, sort of I will get to breed Goldens. So just in case I have already started looking at Golden Retrievers in the area.

Loopy on Lupron

So far so good....I figured out the trick to the Lupron shots. For a couple of days there they were feeling like bee stings. I don't think I was pinching my skin hard enough and the Lupron was too cold from the fridge. So I let it sit out for 10 minutes now and I get a good pinch of the skin and barely any pain. Side affects....the sun seems to bother me and being hot. We went to the boat yesterday and it was very uncomfortable. Hubby was so sweet too....reminded me about the sun block and bought me a six pack of Sprite in loo of beer! So sweet! My tummy is upset for maybe 15 minutes after I inject but then goes away. Other than that just waiting for Wednesday to see what the next steps are. Two girls from my old thread are PG so that is super hopeful. I pray to G-D that this works for me. Will I be one of the lucky ones??

When you think about how many people you know who have difficulty getting pregnant it is amazing that any of us are here to begin with. Back in the 1800's they barely had medicine...let alone any of the modern conveniences we have today. But people got pregnant and delivered babies. Now a days it seems like a common thing to know someone with fertility issues. I envy those lucky people who do not have to spend money to have a baby. OK...off on a tangent...ha!
More on Wednesday after RE visit! Peace out.

Feeling Good

I have this st rage calmness these days. I am just so happy to finally be out of limbo and moving toward some sort of resolution to all of this. I cannot even believe that this will be over and done with in 2-3 weeks. I am over the tongue lashing from my nurse. I am not going to let her shake my confidence that this will work or not. And I will be pleasant at my appointment next Wednesday. I sort of feel like she has my outcome in her hands so I have no choice I guess. But I will not accept it if it happens again and I will speak up.

Day 3 of the Lupron and so far not too many side affects just an upset tummy.

I am just amazed at how calm and collected I feel. And there really is no other way to do this. I am staying away from anything anxiety related and just going to go one day at a time. All you can do......

RE Visit #4

OK, so yesterday I went back for an ultrasound to find out if the cyst was still an issue. Good news I can start my Lupron. I wish the visit put me on a high with this good news but it was not that great of a visit. While I appreciate that the nurse opened the clinic just for me on Saturday I am still disturbed by our conversation. Or should I say....her bitching me out? I was in complete shock that I just had nothing to say and I did one of those sat there in shock. Stunned by what had happened. We had a small mis-communication. No big deal but she flew off the handle scolding me and saying things that have stuck and I HATE THAT! When I can replay it in my head over and over and let it affect my confidence. And some of the things she said I need to know but I do not need it yelled at me and scolding me. Basically what happened was....we were discussing next appointments. I start my Lupron and the next steps are crucial. She asked "what days are better for me to come" I told her if I HAD to choose Fridays are easier but prefer Sat so I do not have to take off so much work. Well she goes away for 15 minutes comes back and starts giving me my dates. And I realize oh shit. July 4th I have to come back July 4th? So as I am ready to leave I feel I have to ask if that is negotiable like can I come the day before the day after and she frigain wigs out on me! "Jeanine, that is why I went through the whole song and dance about days you could come. You are just like everybody else. " What?? I am?? We sort of have a work party and I didn't want to send my husband on his own is all. And in my head I ma thinking you asked me what days were good fro me? Not what days in July I could not come because for vacation or work? So was PISSED she went back to her calendar and was gone for like 15 minutes...then I remember oh shit In laws are coming in July am I going to over lap that? And what is convenient for my husband? I was just super overwhelmed. If this was not all enough. She comes back in a huff and lectures me about how their job is to amke a baby and we paid money and how I am over weight and she needs to see me certain days to identify if the meds will get sucked in by my extra fat. How I am border line PCOS and need to be monitored. What???? PCOS? News to me!!! So now I have my IVF nurse utterly pissed at me because I mis understood what she said. And apparently I am borderline PCOS which was devistating to me. I just do not do well with people being mad at me at all, and now I am scared to death that I have not worked hard enough to make this work. If I would have known about the PCOS thing I would have done more or ate better. I mean I have been recently and it has been in the back of my mind my weight. And now it is too late to fix any of that. I can't loose 10 ponds in a week so if this does not work will I ever forgive myself? And all this self doubt is from one conversation with my nurse. I completely respect her/them and she has done the right thing by me, I am seriously hoping she was just having a bad day. And now I have to some how let all this go and try to ge through the rest of this process.

I feel better now I guess, it's out there and now I just have to move on and see what happens. Later......the obligatory "meds" photo. Yes, I will dazzle you with my meds! Scary.

RE Visit #3

So wish there was something good to report, but no there isn't. The cyst was bigger something the nurse didn't expect. So 4 hours driving with the hopes of starting meds just to get bad news. Sure it is not devastating and it will go away it is just prolonging this entire process and that is the hard part. The nurse assured me this happens, not often, but it does happen. Two things come to mind....1) Is this a sign of things to come....once I get on the Lupron after this goes away will there be abother one that prevents me from starting the stimulation meds? 2) Could this have been the underlying problem all along? I am sure it cannot help fertility having cysts? Back in my 20's I was hospitalized because a cyst burst they thought it was my apendix but after an internal sonogram they saw fliud and realized thta is what it was. Then in Texas when we did are IUI's I also had a cyst but the RE said it was not an issue and we proceded with the medication.
So just some food for thought I guess. I am trying to be patient but this is getting really annoying. Nothing I can do for now, next appointment is next Saturday. At least I do not have to use any more vacation time for these visits. She said she can work me in on the weekends now. So we shall see what happens...more next week as the saga continues!
Grant me strength!

RE visit # 2

My trek to North Carolina was uneventful. I was afraid the driving would be dreadful, but I must say it is pretty nice. I think next drive I might stop at one the side-of-the-road Peach and Jelly places. I know once the husband comes with me we will stop for fireworks no doubt!

So I got there and they did a sonogram and it showed a pesky residual cyst. Apparently very common and very annoying. It pushes everything back a week. So no meds were started yet and I have to go back this Friday to see if it is gone. Now the "old me" might have been devastated and cried and carried on yet another set back. BUT I was not! No why, you ask?? BECAUSE I PAID!!! That is right, in my mind I have gotten further than I ever had before! Sure I would have like to start the meds but the nurse explained how important it is to shrink this little bugger and start with some fresh healthy ovaries. So I am eating well this week, maintain my work out routine all in the hopes of shrinking this rock in road!

Also hoping that work does not start to ask why am I constantly out......So here is to a good and fast week and Cyst-free Friday! Woo Hoo!!