Wednesday, February 18, 2009

One Big Cranky Bitch....

So some girls and I are doing a "cleanse diet" this week and in my current state of mind I am finding myself very moody. I feel a little bad about my mood but nothing I can really do I guess. The cleanse is supposed to be really good for you gets rid of toxins in your body and blah blah blah. Also supposed to jump start weight loss which is what I am really after. I am findin gthe lack of meet very hard to deal with I snuck a chicken leg last night I couldn't take it! I am not sure how vegitarians do this.....I do not miss bread, cheese nothing but MEAT! I am going to stick it out though. So I am trying to work through my crankiness along with my overall bad mood with the state of things.
My IVF nurse called yesterday and we talked for a bit. I explained I wanted to start back up again BUT I might have to postpone again depending on certain things (husband). So I am to call with the start of my next menses which will be Sun/Mon so I would go back on the birth control pills...start drugs on March 23rd. This would put retrieval at around April 13th or so. So we will see what happens. So we have 3 weeks to get our 2 appointments complete. I still have no answer on any of this but I am going to just keep on planning. Ther is no reason not to. None what so ever. Oh wait the economy is bad....there you go there is the reason.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Waiting Still........

So I just do not know anymore. I am trying to work all this out but it is so hard. Why can't I just forget about children and be happy with life? I don't know and it tortures me. And my husband. He is not in the same place as I am and I am forcing the issue. He has no interest what so ever I am alone in this. So do I just go ahead and make appointments and hope he shows up? WTF? Why can't he just help me? And want this just a little. Instead he talks on and on about buying another house for an investment. If we can do that we can surely afford an IVF. It is never the right time it is never a priority. I am almost to the point of giving up. I don't want to talk to anyone (family that is) friends sort of understand at least they try. On Saturday I got a call from a family member who knew about the IVF and I am not sure how the hell she found out. I am usually sad when they do not call me but I tell you what it is easier when they do not call then to have to Field questions about the IVF and kids and what is going on. I just want to crawl in a ball. How the hell does she know??? I am not sure why that bothered me so much still do not know. Just nothing I want to talk about with her. So he will not talk to me about this and I am getting spent over it. Will he win and just suck the will out of me for kids so he does not have to spend any money?? Does anyone have an answer? Why is this so fucking hard? Work is fine everything is ok, he was told that he is not loosing his job so that should be more than enough to go on with the plans. But there are so many excuses and I am getting tired. I don't get it. Bottom line I am making appointments he shows up great if not I am not sure what will happen next. I just wish he was a little with me on this or at least could talk to me.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Light at the end of the tunnel????

OK, so I had my rant yesterday. I think I seriously needed to purge all of that from my system. It is just a hard nut to swallow that "everything happens for a reason" and there is a "bigger picture". I am just tired emotionally from it all. The waiting the hoping the longing for this thing. I tried to let it go but it finds me, finds me and doesn't let go.

So the husband had some encouraging news yesterday....he was talked to by his boss regarding future plans and where he fits in the scheme of things. There will be another pay cut but we will be ok. That will not be until July, when he told me another pay cut I completely shut down. in my mind all I could see was another reason he would not want to go through with this. BUT...much to my surprise he had some encouraging thoughts about it. AND it could possibly be that we can pick up where we left off next month. I am hoping I can get a more solid confirmation but he seemed to feel more at ease with his place in the company and there is a job for him and that was what we were waiting for. I say we need to do this and get it past us either it works or it does not and I Can move on emotionally either way. I feel better than I did yesterday, now I just need a committment that this is a go again....and maybe just maybe there is some light at the end of the long dark freakin tunnel!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Waiting and more waiting, it is not over yet. We still have no resolution on our jobs....if DH will ever be ok to do this under ANY circumstance. And the more I thought about it the more we have to do this and not adopt. I got very emotional with the thought of not having a "Little Ricky" so in my heart i know now we have to do this and see it through. However fucking long it takes.....tick tock. Waiting. Tick Tock my eggs are getting older by the day and more useless by the day. I feel useless. I try to be happy and muster up some personality these days but it is so hard. I have an empty gut wrenching hole that has no end in sight of being filled. I want to get out of this funk but it is hard. I do not want to talk to anyone. I do not want to hear anything I just want to crawl into bed until all this is over. Will it ever fucking be over? Can anyone understand how torturing this is???? NO and I do not care to explain it anymore. So I will just sit here and take it. He wanted his car and got it I hate looking at that fucking thing in my garage some days I just want to plow my car into accidentally when I park in the garage oops. There goes your stupid corvette. That was sure important to get. But something as important as having a family takes the fucking back burner to EVERYTHING! Sick of it. Our salaries got cut at work so there is another fantastic reason not to go ahead with the IVF next month. It will always be something. Never fucking ending.......until I loose my mind and become some bitter shell of the person I was. It is just eating away at me. And yesterday was such a GREAT is easy to open your heart when things are fantastic. The challenge is to have an open heart when you cannot get what you want. BS....I couldn't believe that was my reading yesterday. Only when you let people in and open your heart will the real miracles happen...blah blah blah. Not in the mood, I tried but I still just want to crawl in a ball with my new friend Vodka...ha.