Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Waiting and more waiting, it is not over yet. We still have no resolution on our jobs....if DH will ever be ok to do this under ANY circumstance. And the more I thought about it the more we have to do this and not adopt. I got very emotional with the thought of not having a "Little Ricky" so in my heart i know now we have to do this and see it through. However fucking long it takes.....tick tock. Waiting. Tick Tock my eggs are getting older by the day and more useless by the day. I feel useless. I try to be happy and muster up some personality these days but it is so hard. I have an empty gut wrenching hole that has no end in sight of being filled. I want to get out of this funk but it is hard. I do not want to talk to anyone. I do not want to hear anything I just want to crawl into bed until all this is over. Will it ever fucking be over? Can anyone understand how torturing this is???? NO and I do not care to explain it anymore. So I will just sit here and take it. He wanted his car and got it I hate looking at that fucking thing in my garage some days I just want to plow my car into accidentally when I park in the garage oops. There goes your stupid corvette. That was sure important to get. But something as important as having a family takes the fucking back burner to EVERYTHING! Sick of it. Our salaries got cut at work so there is another fantastic reason not to go ahead with the IVF next month. It will always be something. Never fucking ending.......until I loose my mind and become some bitter shell of the person I was. It is just eating away at me. And yesterday was such a GREAT affirmation....it is easy to open your heart when things are fantastic. The challenge is to have an open heart when you cannot get what you want. BS....I couldn't believe that was my reading yesterday. Only when you let people in and open your heart will the real miracles happen...blah blah blah. Not in the mood, I tried but I still just want to crawl in a ball with my new friend Vodka...ha.

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