Note To Self.....

DO NOT FORGET PROMETRIUM!!!! I just got my ass chewed out by Nurse Ratchet....I felt bad enough part of it was yes my doing but the other part was all the pharmacy. I thought they sent it Overnight Priority but they didn't, just overnight so it got here at 3:50pm enough to miss a dose. I seriously hope no damage was done??? Just one dose....it's ok though I appreciate her militant-like ways. Keeps me in line.

So lesson learned do not wait until the last minute to re-order! And it sounds like I am on this stuff for the next 7-8 weeks. Another weird thing...she told me not to make my OB appointment until after August 25th. That I would be 6-7 weeks by then. I thought by August 21st I would be 8 weeks according to some online calculators I found. So now I am altogether confused. So my first OB appointment is August 31st, my Birthday! What a special present to myself!!! so needless to say I am thoroughly looking forward to my birthday.

The Birthday that held so much meaning for me. The Big 35. 35, when eggs start to shrivel up, fertility starts to wash away that number petrified me for many years. yes I dreaded it, it had so much meaning for me. Meant a point of no return. And now I cannot wait for it! Funny how things change. I feel so wonderful right now, I want to bottle this and take it with me everywhere! And I love that I have followers!! I started this because I was inspired by some fabulous woman out there who never gave up on a dream. The dream to be a Mom. And I hope I gave some of what I got back to some of you! Thank you for sharing this with me!!! And to what is to come.........To Be Continued.

Amazing~ Thank you to all my Angels!

I feel so grateful right now. so absolutley grateful! Nurse just called and the numbers were fantastic! Over 800 she said! Holy crap. This is slowly sinking in!!! I always wished and dreamed and now for it to be here it feels like all the sorrow I endured and all the sadness is maybe finally over! I know there are still some hurdles to get over, first U/S is pretty important. but I am just so happy right now. I feel like my dream is here!

Thank you for everyone who has been following this, and PLEASE if you take anythign away from me know that it CAN HAPPEN! Never lose faith or hope. I never did and got through it all.
I still want to keep my Blog. So please keep reading if you like!!

Feeling Good

Second Beta is today, hopefully the results will be as quick as the last one. I am pretty confident everything is all good, feeling pretty pregnant! I am feeling very antsy to get an appointment with my OB/GYN. Hopefully they will not make me drive to North Carolina for the sonogram and I can stay local! here is the second hurdle I want to clear and I am praying I get over it without a nick!

I have sort of run out of Progesterone also, I have 2 pills reamining and I am using them sparingly. yesterday instead of 3x I took them 2x hopefully that will be ok. I mean it is a 200mg dose. They are coming in tomorrow morning so fingers crossed it will be ok. So feeling pretty good, I finally went to the bathroom yesterday! geez, you don't miss that until it's gone ha! so like I said I am feeling ery pregnant these days and can only hope the test today shows that!
Sending tons of baby dust to all you ladies out there!!! God Bless~

Butterflies.....

OMG!!! PREGNANT! I have no numbers, The nurse just said that "they were very high, great for where they want me to be". I need to keep doing the progesterone and the Estrogen patches. Second Beta is on Monday. I am beyond elated! I feel so blessed right now and I know there are still a couple of hurdles. Second beta and first sono to see what or I should say who is making themselves cozy!!! Right now I am enjoying this moment!

Again, thank you for all the positive thoughts!

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I am so nervous, thank you all so much for all the well wishes. Nothing but a waiting game at this point. I am beyond nervous. Thank you so much for all the wonderful posts!! Should know something in about 4 hours......uhg.

I swear I do not know how to get a really good picture of these tests!!! My camera keeps whiting everything out so please forgive me for my sucky pictures! Ok so this is yesterday's test, at first I was panicked because I thought is should be darker, but I guess not??? When I got the test home and compaired it to the rest it is definitely darker than the other 2 positive ones. The first started with just a skinny pink line, the second a little thicker and this one from yesterday was a full thick pink line. I ran around the house boat asking everyone to look at it. I am super uber nervous for the Beta tomorrow. This test does look pretty nice in person. And because I know too much and read too much of course I am worried about the obvious chemical pregnancy, or Etopic that is usually what the lack of dark lines mean. But I have to say when I line them up they seem to graduate nice, also I drank a gallon and a half of water in 2 days...drinking lots. So that has to affect it right???? I just need to make it through the next 24 hours!

Dear Lord, please let this be real and not a fleeting glimpse of what could be. Please let this be as real as the line I see. Please stay little babie/s. I love you already and want you so bad, please don't go.

HELP!!!!

Ipeed on a stick and now I am out of control!!! Ok never in my life have I EVER had 2 lines! So I took a test to see the trigger, the 18th it was gone and now I have 2 freaking lines! Can I be happy with that no? I wanted them darker.....ha! Took another test this morning and it does look better than the last one. The one from the 18th looked good when it dried, the one from this morning was the identical color of the dried one in my hand. See how I am trying to ease my worries about how dark it is?

And yes, like an ASS I did tell SIL, BIL, and my Mom. And I know how incredibly stupid it was because it so freaking early. Now I can see why hubby was adamant about waiting until the blood test. I got caught up in the moment. I am sure it will be fine. God I hope you can make out these lines!!! So what do you think??? Good for 7dp3dt?????? Inquiring minds would like to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling better.....

I think I am in a better place than I was yesterday. I had an amazing talk with my FIL this morning outside on our deck. It is probably my favorite thing to do when he comes fro a visit, we get our coffee and sit outside and talk. We talk about so much and for so long one of us always ends up shedding a tear. And I feel so much better, I spoke my fears and let them out and I feel so much better. I am on vacation and I am going to enjoy it!!!

Symptom watch: not that it matters or anything some cramping and I cannot breathe to save my life. I am so stuffy sans these lovely progesterone suppositories. And the Estrogen patches are itching the shit out of me. It will all be worth it.....please let there be something cooking in here 8-(

Whatever

So against better judgement I tested and there is the faintest of positives. Trigger was 11 days ago and I am not sure if it is the end of the trigger or the beginning of something real. And with that the negativity flooded in, who am I kidding that this will work. Nothing has ever worked why would this. I feel defeated and I am only 6dp3dt is it over am I crazy to think a positive would have showed up by now? I am extremely grumpy today and really sick of the progesterone suppositories. If it is over just let it be done already. Stupid me for testing. I guess the other side of the fence is when I test on Tuesday and it by some freakin miracle positive it is real and not my imagination. But right now I feel like I let myself get all excited for nothing. Fuck me, how could I be so stupid to think this would work? I want a xanax so bad it is ridiculous. I feel like I cannot breathe. Is this over yet???

What was that???

This is what I am saying to myself what seems like every minute of the day with every gurgle, twitch, and pain. I really wish there was a manual to tell you if you were on the right track....or going to be disappointed. I have been on the Progesterone 3 x a day since retrieval. This morning while brushing my teeth I dry heaved. So if that was the progesterone wouldn't it have done it sooner?? Is something going on down there? Oh I wish I could tell! So far closthes are not fitting, my panties are leaving marks LOL, really bloated but a bloated like I have never felt.
7 days past the trigger I took a test as reference for next week and it was a nice positive, and I almost started to fake myself into thinking I could be preggers already! Driving myself nuts a bit I think. Today is only 3dp3dt I have never heard of a positive that early.

So hubby has the right idea. expect the worst and if something else happens then awesome! Until then he and I are playing a fun game..."what we will do if we are not pregnant". So far on the list....
1) Sell the house and buy a horse farm/ranch
2)Anguilla for the next Jimmy Buffet concert
3) Buy a house boat (his whish haha)
4) Plastic surgery (Lipo...my wish 8-)
5) Breed Golden Retrievers
So we are passing the time adding to the list. he figures if he does this I will not go crazy at the prospect of no heirs to the family name. And I guess it could work. We shall see.
So if any of you out there reading this.....have any experience with the post-IVF body functions...please drop me a line!!! I would love to know more.

2 If By Sea

Well, it is all over! I feel so relieved and just so relaxed right now. I got there this morning, Dr met with me and reviewed how we did. (I have to back up for a minute....hubby didn't come with me and for some reason I was totally ok with it.) I guess I thought I would be more relaxed if he wasn't there anyway. So Dr gave me pictures of my 2 embies. One of the four only developed to a 5 cell and probably would go no further. The other was shaped weird like an amoeba, but the cells were beautiful inside. he said he has seen these go onto be live births but he wanted to observe it until day 5 then freeze if it makes it. That leaves us with the last two, both 7-9 cells he said perfect for where they should be and he gave me a 50 to 60% chance of getting pregnant. And I will take that and run with it! I got pictures of my embies and a sono of them in my uterus, hopefully to be used in some baby book/s later on.

I came home to a wonderful dinner and a dozen long stem roses. Now we are back to nature taking it's course and I am ok with that. I am ok with whatever happens in the next 12 days. And for shits and giggles I bought a pineapple. Here goes nothing!! And as hubby said, it is up to Mother Nature...let's hope we tipped her enough.

Thank you all for all your encouragement, this has tested my strength and the person I am. I am thrilled for it to be over and the waiting game begins. I am keeping level headed about everything and not thinking too far ahead. Thank you for reading my rants and for your support.

Cheaper By The Dozen.......

Update:
Doctor called. Of the 12- 1 had no egg, 1 was immature. 4 did not fertilize 4 fertilized. So out of my 12 I have 4 growing. he said one was mis-shapened but nothing he is concerned about. He also said that the source of my issues could very well stem from poor egg quality. He said the Zona on mine were a little weird. And could be the issue, how they get around that is the Assisted Hatching. So I am afraid there will be nothing to freeze and I am ok with that. I do not think I could go through again. Whatever will be will be. I am hoping for good news Sunday, that we get 2 nice embies for transfer. Time will Tell....tomorrow might be the longest day ever.

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well, what an experience Retrieval as. I was scared out of my mind! The anesthesiologist was amazing. very delicate and caring. Explained everything he was doing and that helped. The nurse and the Doc enter the room and I see the syringe go into my IV and instantly I get tingly....nice. And I guess at that moment I said something to the effect of" Wow, Michael Jackson had the right idea...." and BOOM out like a light. before I knew it I was awake and the procedure was over. Really?? That is it?? OK. I survived!!! yes, I had anxiety I would be one of those people who never woke up due to some accidental circumstances. Overactive imagination, if you will. The nurse was asking me if I remebered what I said, and told me I was hysterical and had them all cracking up.

So I was ready to go in 5-10 minutes ready to get dressed. The pain was not that horrible. Just really bad cramps that went away with some ibuprofen. Before we left the Nurse told us how many we got.....and we got 12!! I am beyond happy. I was not expecting that at all. In fact, I purposely was thinking a lower number and just going to be happy with 6 or 7. 12 was beyond my expectations. I think all the good eating I have been doing paid off!!! Now BRING ON THE PINEAPPLE!!!!

Today I am waiting for the fertility report. Nurse will be calling sometime today to let me know quality and what is growing, transfer day, and all that jazz. So I am calmly waiting for that. (Sort of Calmly....ha!) Today I am feeling ok, started Progesterone. Last night I woke up a lot to pee and holy christmas the gas is unreal. Ha! Thank goodness I have a cube far away. That seems to be my only discomfort. I feel 10 pounds lighter after the retrieval. So cheers....here is to my little babies cooking 400 miles away! come on my little blobs....you can do it I want you so bad I can taste it. So close! So close to all those wonderful things....baby clothes, diapers, cribs, the smell of baby. So close!!!!!

And Still They Grow......

Today was a BUSY day! Got the Doctor's office, left the house at 5:45 am. I got there at 10am my stomach in knots. Just hoping something grew over night. So, my friend the sono wand and I got familiar once again. And I met with the Dr today too! The elusive Dr! He told me I have 10 follicles!! So happy. Sizes 15, 16,16,16, 18,18, 19 I think I missed a couple because that is only 8.
Dr said that of the 10 he would expect 7-or so eggs. He also said that if that were the case he would ICSI them all and call me on Friday for a fertility report.

We can expect transfer Saturday, Sunday or Tuesday. I would be a big fan of not having to take another day off work that is for sure. I can not believe it is here, finally here. All my hopes and dreams hang on these next few days. I feel mysteriously calm. I think because I know I have absolutely no control of this situation. I am hoping for the best. So far nurse and the Dr seem to think everything is going well, slow ans steady wins the race....quality over quantity.

Trigger tonight, retrieval is Thursday morning. Grammy, Dad send me a baby. I have been so patient. I want to be a Mommy. I want to give all my love away and see my husband in his eyes. Send me an angel/angels. Miss you both.

Another Road Trip

Sono this morning revealed not enough growth. The sizes on the Right if I can remember ranged from 12-15 and the Left 18, 17, (2) 16, 15, 14 an entire range but not large enough. So one more day of stims and back to North Carolina again tomorrow for another sono, meds teaching and pre-op prep. Retrieval is Thursday. So this is not devastating or anything just really kills me missing so much work. I am using vacation days but it still is a little stressful to be gone 3 days this week.
I am trying to relax but my husband has already stirred the pot on that one. I just keep saying to myself that this will all be over soon and no more missing work. ( We are laying a bunch of people off this week so it is really un-nerving to miss any work this week.)
I emailed my boss and all he knows is I am having an in office surgery procedure I am sure that will be fine. Gee whiz....can you tell I am Catholic?? DO I carry enough guilt around or what???
Hopefully a better update tomorrow!

And the Total is......

14!!!! I had my sono today and I have 14 follicles that hopefully will ripen into some mighty fine eggs! Nurse said I am responding to the meds wonderfully and I am right on track. For the record....
Right Ovary:
4 Follicles -sizes 11,10,10,10

Left Ovary: (Working over-time for Team Baby)
10 Follicles- Sizes
12, 12,10,11,9,12,12,12,13,10

That is impressive! I guess that is why I feel like I am carrying around 2 bowling balls. They will grow to about 18-20mm and then they are ready to go. In fact I am going back Monday morning for the last sono. Nurse thinks I will be ready to trigger (ovulate) on Monday night no shots Tuesday YAY and then retrieval on Wednesday! I cannot believe this will be over in 4 days!!! This really is better than I hoped for I was prepaired for anything and I think that helped. I have also been SO GOOD eating wise and laying off the beer (so hard to do in the summer on the boat but it is for a good cause ha). So that is it. One major hurdle has been cleared. The next will be to see how many are actually viable eggs. I know 14 does not really mean 14 I am prepaired for 75% to be usable and of those 50% will fertilize. I think if I keep level headed and realistic anything more will be a BONUS!! Now I am off to put my feet up, Ovaries are sore!

Let The Bloating Begin.......

Meds have kicked in, feeling so craptacular today! Stomach is making all kids of gurgling noises like it is alive. I am not hungry, ate cereal for breakfast and felt worse. Pretty bloated, just feeling like I ran out of room in there or something. I am anxious for tomorrow's sonogram. It will tell a tale, a tale of how I am doing stimulation wise and what we have to work with. I would have been on stims for 7 days and on average it is a 9-10 day process. So we should see some good numbers tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

I have been eating all Organic this week. And whole dairy, eggs=eggs. So I stocked up on the Eggland's Best. Trying to be real good, drinking my powerade. Not much else I can do at the moment but hold my breath until tomorrow! Oh please, please,please let there be some good things going on in there!!!!