Roller Coaster

Well, I guess you can tell by my lat post I had a bad mental day. That is just the roller coaster if infertility, good days bad days. Days when you can take it and days you just cannot. And that was one of those days. We have decided to put thing on hold a little longer than previously thought. And that is just so we know what is going on with work. Hopefully things will be ok and we can move on. Nothing I can do but wait and see. Something that occurred to me though during this break was what about adoption? Why not? Do I really want to mentally f-myself with this IVF? Because that is what it is. $17,000 and no guarantees a better percentage chance of getting pregnant but no guarentees. But adoption you get something in the end, GUARENTEED. And how can you argue about loving a child that is already here? Needing love and a home. My concern is can my husband love a child that is not his? I know I can, I know I can get over all this and love any child I am given no matter how we come to be blessed with it in our lives. I just wonder can he? Something to think about and something to talk about. But for now February is a much needed break from the entire process and a mental health month. Starting the gym again and looking forward to going into the Spring healthy. That is my goal right now. Let's see if I cna put everything else out of my mind.......the roller coaster.

WTF????

There is so much to say, but I do not even know where to begin. What a fucked up day. Can I get myself out of this emotional hole I am in? I doubt it. I am so tired of wanting something that is not coming. Fuck it.

Trying Times.....

Well, I was supposed to start meds this week but we have had to put things on hold for the time being. There is a little instability at my job. My husband and I work for the same company and it turns out we are loosing one of our major clients....begins with Home and ends in Depot. Needless to say we were all shocked but no one was as shocked as us. For the longest time we were always worried about working for the same company and if this very circumstance happened what would we do? And in light of our current situation it is even more devastating. My poor husband worried for two days how he was going to tell me. When he finally did, I tried to be as brave as I could but in the back of my mind I was freaking out! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????? I was SO CLOSE to getting this over with! I was resistant at first about postponing, but once I looked past my own feelings and saw how bad this was affecting him, I suggested we wait. He was so relieved he didn't want to say it but it really is the best thing. And it is nothing in the scheme of things. I re-scheduled everything with the nurse and we moved our appointment to Feb 11th, I start the Lupron on Feb 13th, staying on the birth control pills until then. And it is not the end of the world, we will know where we stand with the company, and so far we have been told we are "key players" so that is good enough for now. So, instead of a Thanksgiving baby/babies...potentially could be Christmas babies/baby! And what a gift that would be!!

As far as work, the company has 7 other companies under it's umbrella and we are being used for them. The postponement just gives us room to make sure we are not with out jobs if I were to get pregnant. Being pregnant with out insurance would be NOT an OPTION, it is the responsible thing to do. It sucks being responsible...but I would rather do this then put ourselves in a financial nightmare! Patience, and one day at a time. So once again the Blog becomes boring for a while....I was hoping to start the "fun stuff" the RE visits and what not. We do have the psyche visit on Saturday still so there will be more to report! So for now we are in a Holding Pattern....

Finally Insurance comes through!!!!

This is the happiest post of my life I think. After so many disappointments dealing with insurance companies and infertility I finally had some LUCK! And that is exactly what it is because according to my benefits I only have coverage for diagnostic events. So they can tell me what is wrong but do nothing about it....(that is another rant entirely). So the pharmacy where I am getting all my Meds for this IVF called on Tuesday with my GRAND TOTAL. Which I expected to be about $3000 plus, here is how the conversation went:

Bette (like as in Bette Midler): Jeanine, I have the total of your meds, I am happy to say I was able to get everything covered and your total is $219.80.

Me: Do you have the right number?

Bette: Laughs....yes, Jeanine Stehr, right?

Me: Really? Are you sure? BCBS??? $219.80? Really? Are you sure Jeanine Stehr?? YOU MADE MY DAY!!!

Bette: Laughing louder.....I am so glad! The last girl hung up with me crying her bill was $4,000. I am so happy I could make your day!

Bette and I are now long time friends...my meds will be delivered today so expect the obligatory
"IVF Meds Picture" in tomorrow's post!!

Milestones...

Today is a huge one...today I am married 8 wonderful years. I dedicate this post to my wonderful husband! He is not only wonderful for going through all this for me and with me, but for the laughs we share and the home we have made. A home that is filled with love. I am grateful for many things in this life and he is the tip of the iceberg! Thank you honey for 8 wonderful years!

Another milestone....my brother left for the Navy today. I am filled with nothing but hope for him and his future. He and I have been through a lot and to see him accomplish this, is nothing short of spectacular. Of course I will have it in the back of my mind how he is doing, but I never again will worry if he is OK. He is free to start his life and I am so proud of him.

The last milestone....my IVF nurse called today all appointments are set and we are beginning!
The calender looks like this:
1/14- Meeting with Dr sign consents, Saline Sono for me, BW for him.
1/17-Meet with counselour
1/19- Start lupron
1/30- Baseline Ultra Sound
1/31- Start Stims!!!
2/13- Tentative egg retrieval (or ER as we in the infertile world call it!)
Egg Transfer or ET will be anywhere from 3-5 days. after that If it is 5 day transfer that could be fantastic...they say 5 day transfer is a great place ot be. Time will tell.....and more about that when we get there for now one day at a time.

Holy cow is all I can say.....time will tell.

Paying Attention....

I have had a book for many years...I wouldn't really call it a book rather a manual for life. It is a book of affirmations. It has helped me through the best and worst of times of life. I remember when I lived in my apartment in Queens working in Flushing how completely lonely I was. I yearned for a "love of my life." I found everything but, and I have to say this book got me through many heart aches and lead me on a good path that DID lead me to the love of my life. I am trusting this book to lead me on the right path again as I take this wild and crazy ride. It will help me stay grounded and not loose perspective....

Jan 3
"Trust your Heart
For so long you relied on your head. Now it's time to make shift-the great leap into your heart.
Are you beginning to see how your head gets in the way? How it creates so much noise? The chatter the limited vision, the fear? Are you beginning to see what you have relied on-your intellect, your assessments, and sometimes logic have complicated your life?
.....The heart sees clearly. It balances the mind and emotions. It takes what is real processes it into truth, then into action."

-"Learn to listen to your inner voice. Listen to your heart. It's your connection to God, to people, to the universe, to yourself."

See what I mean?? That is what I need to do, trust my heart, trust my body (that it will know what to do when it is called upon) and most of all trust the Dr, that I do not know more than she does!!

New Beginnings.....

New beginnings.....I think that says it all really. I know that with every ending of something there is a new beginning. A journey that teaches you things along the way. What have I learned so far??? Patience, and to appreciate what is around me, my home my husband, how fortunate I am in so many other ways. I have come to some great crossroads here I think. On New Year's Eve rather then filled with all the usual feelings I have had in the past..."this is the year we have a child", I was filled with great peace. I can honestly say I have never felt that before. I felt calm, and I think this will be key going forward. I think I will be able to get through and handle what ever is to come. I think I am so tired of revolving my every thought around the children I do not have that I am finally ready to let it all go and I know this is not something I can control. It is up to a very mean Mother Nature, sometimes I really do not like her. But maybe we can be friends after all. She does give me so many other things that I Cherish.

So with that I am totally ready to see where this journey leads me, I think it will be a great soul search as well. Can I come out the other end OK? we will see. I started "the pill" Wednesday night and I am about to leave "the message" for my IVF nurse......and so it begins!