My Journey- through IVF, Pregnancy and Motherhood

Yuletide and Good Cheer

2009-12-13T15:22:00.002-05:00

What a difference a year makes. It was only last year I was battling through my baby blues, yet another Christmas with a hole in my heart. It is very surreal to be in my skin right now. Every day that passes I am filled with more hope, more love, and more happiness. This Christmas will be so different than all the others before it. And next year's will be exciting as well. I feel so thankful for my blessings, my friends and family. My brother, sister and I will be together this year. I cannot remember the last Christmas we shared.....five, six, seven years ago??? And it is especially important as my brother is serving our country in California. My sister will be joining him in March. So I am not sure when we will get to be together again.
I also miss my Dad terribly around this time. I always tried to make his holidays special. After he and my Mom divorced the holidays took a toll on him. I miss him so much but I know he is no longer in pain in this world but at peace in the next.

And last....I want to give some of you hope out there. Anyone who may be reading this and suffering with infertility. In the beginning of November I sent some left-over meds to someone about to cycle. She seems to be the epitome of strength. At 42, trying for a child for 15 years. Onto her third IVF. Only this time she was vigilant with her own care and made suggestions to the her RE, different meds, a different protocol. And just this last week her second Beta came back positive over 230! So ladies, do not give up on your dream. I am so happy for her and her husband. She has some hurdles to get over but the main was has been jumped and cleared! May God bless all of you with your dream come true....baby dust and God Bless!

IT'S A BOY

2009-11-15T18:01:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving.....has taken on an entirely new meaning this year. This quite possibly could be the most important Thanksgiving I will ever have.
1) In an effort to give back and do something to show my gratitude to the universe for the gift I have been given, I donated my last remaining meds to a fellow sista in need. My first thought was to try an r-coup some of the thousands of dollars we spent on them. But that was fleeting, immediately I thought to donate. So I am keeping a close eye on my donation praying it brings her the same happiness and joy it did me.
2)Family-My brother has successfully made it through Navy boot camp and "A" School. He graduated with a 97.5 and was allowed to pick his station for the next 2 years. He is currently in Mirimar California, yes where they filmed Top Gun!!! He is doing better than I could have prayed for! And my sister, inspire3d by my brother and his accomplishment at 33 years of age has joined the Army. Yes (Tobes)you read that right. And because of her aptitude testing and schooling she already has, she is slated for a very high level position as well as potential Officer Candidate School. I am blown away and beyond words how proud I am of her. Her technical job title will be "Patriot Missle Launch Technician". So proud....which brings me to my next selfless act for this year. To support my Brother and Sister in their endeavours I am looking to join the USO or some kind of support for the military. They are doing their part I will do mine.
3) Last Thursday we found out we were having a BOY. It is what I have always dreamed of, imagined, longed for, wished for. I have always wanted a little boy to share with my husband, that when I looked into his his sweet young eyes I could see my husband staring back at me. Yes, the best Thanksgiving ever.
4)My wonderful support team, my dear friends. On Friday I received the sweetest package from one of my dearest friends. My first "baby" gifts. And the coolest Longhorns Onesie!!! Without their support through the last couple of years I am not sure where I would be. So thank you!!

18 Weeks 4 Days

2009-11-03T09:46:00.002-05:00

So far so good! We find out the sex on Thursday. I cannot wait. It all still feels a bit surreal, but I am enjoying every minute of every day. I am blessed hat so far it has been un-eventful. And I think I made a decision this morning. That once we know the sex and I hit 20 weeks I am going to switch this over to a baby blog. And I would love for anyone that follows this blog to come on over to the next. And of course I understand if you do not. I am sending loads of baby dust out there to my sisters that need it and a special prayer that a happy ending is in sight!
See you back here on Thursday to see what we are having!!!

15 Weeks

2009-10-09T12:51:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe it is 15 weeks already. It is like it is flying by but going slow at the same time. I definitely look the part right now. I cannot keep my hands off myself these days. I have to rub, like making a wish on Buddha's Belly.

On Wednesday I woke up at 2am with some pain in the lower right side, and it was not going away. By 9 I was concerned. I called the OB's office and asked if they would see me Wednesday instead of today. They got me in within the hour and I saw the midwife, I told her about the pain and started looking for the heartbeat. Tooak a couple of minutes but she found Bubsy....lower right side! And I told her it felt almost like an ovarian cyst pain, and she laughed she said," the baby found a toy to play with your ovaries! " And after that I been feeling movement ever since. Mainly at night. So beautiful and amazing. I get dizzy thinking about how my wildest dream is just about to come true!

Tiny Miracle

2009-09-24T09:43:00.003-04:00

About the size of a plum....as precious as precious can get. I am in love already and have not yet even met the little miracle inside me. I talk to my tummy every morning and I thank God and then I thank little bubs for hanging around. I tell my bubs to keep growing healthy and strong because you are much wanted and much loved already. I cannot even imagine what it might be like to hold little bubs someday. It seems like an eternity sometimes and then it seems like a blink of an eye and I will strain to remember being pregnant.

I tell you what though it is not all easy. Headaches, tired, moody, hungry, nauseous, swollen......all things I welcome with open arms. I am sure Mr. S could tel you a thing or two about hormones and how crazy they have made me......hee hee. I have gotten better though. Tomorrow starts 13 weeks the final week in the Frist Trimester. I am so blessed to be here and will not take one second for granted. (No matter how lousy I feel.) 27 weeks left.....not a long time at all.

Anatomy scan is in November, that is the next time I get to see bubs. But I will get to hear a heart beat on Oct 9th my next OB appointment. So that will give me some reassurance for a while.

I am also excited because my girlfriend at work just told me she is pregnant and due the same week as me! She kept it this entire time a secret because she said she did not want to steal my spotlight. I was so touched by her thoughtfullness. All though I would have been elated anyway....I hope I do not come accross as someone who is needy like that. I think she is just nice like that though. So now I have a partner in crime! We talk baby stuff every day. And looks like maternity leave will be the same time so we both have someone to hang out with when the time comes! I was seriously starting to think how lonely I would be, all our family is in New York. So this make is a little bit easier!

Family......where to start. So my Sister-in-Law is also pregnant and due the same week as me. And I really tried to embrace it and befriend her and use it as an oppurtunity to become closer. but I realize now that it will not happen. There is just too much back story for just this little blog. Bottom line is I have made every attempt to contact her and keep in touch and nothign works. So why bother continue to get hurt by someone. I feel bad it is my husbabd's sister. But I am not going to intentionally let myself get hurt by her. I wish we were closer but she chooses to not have a relationship. It has also been brought to my attention that she has said that if my in-laws come to visit me and the new baby she will be pissed. Pissed because she has two kids already and will need help while she has the third. What balls right? We have worked so hard to have this miracle and it is our first and that is the person she is. So guess what, not bothering with her at all. After all, I have a little miracle growing and I need to think happy thoughts and not be stressed by the likes of her.

End on a hppay note.....look back at the picture....awe!

Precious Sounds

2009-09-11T11:29:00.003-04:00

Today was my 11 week check up and I got to hear the babies heartbeat. Probably the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I was so excited I forgot to ask what the heart rate was, but I called and left a message with the nurse to let me know. It was a fast visit really nothing else was done. i thought I would get an internal exam, but no. Which is fine by me! So far things are going great and I am thankful ever single day!

Might be time to turn this into a pregnancy after infertility blog!!! And god willing...a Mommy after pregnancy after infertility blog!! Baby Dust to all who need it! My thoughts are with you that there is an end to your journey!

Tomorrow

2009-08-30T17:26:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my 35th Birthday. A number I have been dreading for several years. In all the statistics you read 35 is a fertility marker for women. A marker of time, of what time is left. And as much as I worried endlessly about would we or would we not have children, I worried more about this number. Because of what it symbolized to me. And like all other holidays "would I be pregnant this year during my birthday?" game would be played. Well this year could not be more special. I feel like I beat the odds and I am a success story in the making. That yes, you can! And I am!

It does not come easy, the worrying never stops. Is everything ok? I don't feel as nauseous as I did yesterday, what does that mean? Is my stomach changing? It is a constant battle to keep these thoughts from taking over. I thank God every day for another pregnant day and pray that little bubs is doing ok. I used to go on and on about how I wanted a boy. Now I don't even care, I just want healthy....me and bubs. I am going t throw the worrying away tomorrow and just enjoy my 9 week 4 day tummy!

First Looks!

2009-08-23T14:21:00.004-04:00

On Friday my husband and I got our first glimpse of our little miracle! Out of 12 eggs, 10 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 made it to 8-9 cells and one potential frozen this is our little miracle. I have since found out that we in deed did not have anything to freeze. And I found that out by my fee being returned. And I am totally ok with that, because we had one special little fighter. We saw a heart beat as well and I cried like I have never cried before. I had only dreamed of this moment and never really thought I would be one of the lucky ones. But I am, my OB even joked that this was the "Platinum Baby" he has no idea....I have already started calling he/she "The Golden Child". This baby will be so loved it is no joke. My Mom is already making her move to Georgia. She is selling her condo, bought a car and is going to tie up loose ends and will be house hunting soon!

I am still on cloud nine and I hope it does not stop. I am seriously concerned about a fibroid on top of my uterus but the doc is going to watch it closely. My next OB appointment is Sept 11th, next Ultra Sound is Sept 20th. I feel so much more at ease right now, the last thing the Dr said was that at 8 weeks seeing a heart beat miscarriage was around 1%. I will take that....99% chance everything is perfect. I still can remember seeing the littloe arm buds and that magic flickering of the heart. I can't wait to see him/her again, I am in love already.

6 Weeks 3 Days.....

2009-08-10T09:09:00.002-04:00

So far so good. The worrying has subsided, the morning sickness down to a minimum. Today I am uber-dizzy but other than that just letting time tick on by. My first OB appointment is next week and I cannot wait! For now having fun thinking about nurseries and little feet. Trying to eat well too. These first few weeks are important so just trying to behave. Every once in a while it hits me that I am pregnant and I get all happy inside. And it turns out one of my Sister-in-Laws is pregnant also. So I have a partner in crime. Hopefully it will be fun being pregnant with her.

It truly is so surreal to say to myself....."You're Pregnant!". So far enjoying every second!

5 Weeks 3 Days and Counting......

2009-08-02T16:44:00.002-04:00

Everything is going pretty smoothly. I feel like I have to wait forever and a day for my Ultrasound, but I am not having any signs if anything is wrong. So I am hanging in there and just trying to enjoy the ride. Every now and a again I get a little anxious are things ok? Is everything on track? I am doing good though, trying to stay centered and just enjoy everything. I bought my first Maternity clothes to get me by for now. I am so bloated things do not fit anymore, I cannot button any pants and my work skirts won't zip! I have waited for this my ENTIRE life and I am having so much fun dreaming about what the next 9 months will bring. 19 more days untul my forst OB appointment....I can't wait!!!

Note To Self.....

2009-07-28T16:34:00.003-04:00

DO NOT FORGET PROMETRIUM!!!! I just got my ass chewed out by Nurse Ratchet....I felt bad enough part of it was yes my doing but the other part was all the pharmacy. I thought they sent it Overnight Priority but they didn't, just overnight so it got here at 3:50pm enough to miss a dose. I seriously hope no damage was done??? Just one dose....it's ok though I appreciate her militant-like ways. Keeps me in line.

So lesson learned do not wait until the last minute to re-order! And it sounds like I am on this stuff for the next 7-8 weeks. Another weird thing...she told me not to make my OB appointment until after August 25th. That I would be 6-7 weeks by then. I thought by August 21st I would be 8 weeks according to some online calculators I found. So now I am altogether confused. So my first OB appointment is August 31st, my Birthday! What a special present to myself!!! so needless to say I am thoroughly looking forward to my birthday.

The Birthday that held so much meaning for me. The Big 35. 35, when eggs start to shrivel up, fertility starts to wash away that number petrified me for many years. yes I dreaded it, it had so much meaning for me. Meant a point of no return. And now I cannot wait for it! Funny how things change. I feel so wonderful right now, I want to bottle this and take it with me everywhere! And I love that I have followers!! I started this because I was inspired by some fabulous woman out there who never gave up on a dream. The dream to be a Mom. And I hope I gave some of what I got back to some of you! Thank you for sharing this with me!!! And to what is to come.........To Be Continued.

Amazing~ Thank you to all my Angels!

2009-07-27T13:55:00.003-04:00

I feel so grateful right now. so absolutley grateful! Nurse just called and the numbers were fantastic! Over 800 she said! Holy crap. This is slowly sinking in!!! I always wished and dreamed and now for it to be here it feels like all the sorrow I endured and all the sadness is maybe finally over! I know there are still some hurdles to get over, first U/S is pretty important. but I am just so happy right now. I feel like my dream is here!

Thank you for everyone who has been following this, and PLEASE if you take anythign away from me know that it CAN HAPPEN! Never lose faith or hope. I never did and got through it all.
I still want to keep my Blog. So please keep reading if you like!!

Feeling Good

2009-07-27T09:29:00.003-04:00

Second Beta is today, hopefully the results will be as quick as the last one. I am pretty confident everything is all good, feeling pretty pregnant! I am feeling very antsy to get an appointment with my OB/GYN. Hopefully they will not make me drive to North Carolina for the sonogram and I can stay local! here is the second hurdle I want to clear and I am praying I get over it without a nick!

I have sort of run out of Progesterone also, I have 2 pills reamining and I am using them sparingly. yesterday instead of 3x I took them 2x hopefully that will be ok. I mean it is a 200mg dose. They are coming in tomorrow morning so fingers crossed it will be ok. So feeling pretty good, I finally went to the bathroom yesterday! geez, you don't miss that until it's gone ha! so like I said I am feeling ery pregnant these days and can only hope the test today shows that!
Sending tons of baby dust to all you ladies out there!!! God Bless~

Butterflies.....

2009-07-24T10:40:00.003-04:00

OMG!!! PREGNANT! I have no numbers, The nurse just said that "they were very high, great for where they want me to be". I need to keep doing the progesterone and the Estrogen patches. Second Beta is on Monday. I am beyond elated! I feel so blessed right now and I know there are still a couple of hurdles. Second beta and first sono to see what or I should say who is making themselves cozy!!! Right now I am enjoying this moment!

Again, thank you for all the positive thoughts!

************************************************************************
I am so nervous, thank you all so much for all the well wishes. Nothing but a waiting game at this point. I am beyond nervous. Thank you so much for all the wonderful posts!! Should know something in about 4 hours......uhg.

2009-07-23T08:48:00.004-04:00

I swear I do not know how to get a really good picture of these tests!!! My camera keeps whiting everything out so please forgive me for my sucky pictures! Ok so this is yesterday's test, at first I was panicked because I thought is should be darker, but I guess not??? When I got the test home and compaired it to the rest it is definitely darker than the other 2 positive ones. The first started with just a skinny pink line, the second a little thicker and this one from yesterday was a full thick pink line. I ran around the house boat asking everyone to look at it. I am super uber nervous for the Beta tomorrow. This test does look pretty nice in person. And because I know too much and read too much of course I am worried about the obvious chemical pregnancy, or Etopic that is usually what the lack of dark lines mean. But I have to say when I line them up they seem to graduate nice, also I drank a gallon and a half of water in 2 days...drinking lots. So that has to affect it right???? I just need to make it through the next 24 hours!

Dear Lord, please let this be real and not a fleeting glimpse of what could be. Please let this be as real as the line I see. Please stay little babie/s. I love you already and want you so bad, please don't go.

HELP!!!!

2009-07-20T07:26:00.004-04:00

Ipeed on a stick and now I am out of control!!! Ok never in my life have I EVER had 2 lines! So I took a test to see the trigger, the 18th it was gone and now I have 2 freaking lines! Can I be happy with that no? I wanted them darker.....ha! Took another test this morning and it does look better than the last one. The one from the 18th looked good when it dried, the one from this morning was the identical color of the dried one in my hand. See how I am trying to ease my worries about how dark it is?

And yes, like an ASS I did tell SIL, BIL, and my Mom. And I know how incredibly stupid it was because it so freaking early. Now I can see why hubby was adamant about waiting until the blood test. I got caught up in the moment. I am sure it will be fine. God I hope you can make out these lines!!! So what do you think??? Good for 7dp3dt?????? Inquiring minds would like to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling better.....

2009-07-19T08:45:00.002-04:00

I think I am in a better place than I was yesterday. I had an amazing talk with my FIL this morning outside on our deck. It is probably my favorite thing to do when he comes fro a visit, we get our coffee and sit outside and talk. We talk about so much and for so long one of us always ends up shedding a tear. And I feel so much better, I spoke my fears and let them out and I feel so much better. I am on vacation and I am going to enjoy it!!!

Symptom watch: not that it matters or anything some cramping and I cannot breathe to save my life. I am so stuffy sans these lovely progesterone suppositories. And the Estrogen patches are itching the shit out of me. It will all be worth it.....please let there be something cooking in here 8-(

Whatever

2009-07-18T08:19:00.002-04:00

So against better judgement I tested and there is the faintest of positives. Trigger was 11 days ago and I am not sure if it is the end of the trigger or the beginning of something real. And with that the negativity flooded in, who am I kidding that this will work. Nothing has ever worked why would this. I feel defeated and I am only 6dp3dt is it over am I crazy to think a positive would have showed up by now? I am extremely grumpy today and really sick of the progesterone suppositories. If it is over just let it be done already. Stupid me for testing. I guess the other side of the fence is when I test on Tuesday and it by some freakin miracle positive it is real and not my imagination. But right now I feel like I let myself get all excited for nothing. Fuck me, how could I be so stupid to think this would work? I want a xanax so bad it is ridiculous. I feel like I cannot breathe. Is this over yet???

What was that???

2009-07-15T08:00:00.002-04:00

This is what I am saying to myself what seems like every minute of the day with every gurgle, twitch, and pain. I really wish there was a manual to tell you if you were on the right track....or going to be disappointed. I have been on the Progesterone 3 x a day since retrieval. This morning while brushing my teeth I dry heaved. So if that was the progesterone wouldn't it have done it sooner?? Is something going on down there? Oh I wish I could tell! So far closthes are not fitting, my panties are leaving marks LOL, really bloated but a bloated like I have never felt.
7 days past the trigger I took a test as reference for next week and it was a nice positive, and I almost started to fake myself into thinking I could be preggers already! Driving myself nuts a bit I think. Today is only 3dp3dt I have never heard of a positive that early.

So hubby has the right idea. expect the worst and if something else happens then awesome! Until then he and I are playing a fun game..."what we will do if we are not pregnant". So far on the list....
1) Sell the house and buy a horse farm/ranch
2)Anguilla for the next Jimmy Buffet concert
3) Buy a house boat (his whish haha)
4) Plastic surgery (Lipo...my wish 8-)
5) Breed Golden Retrievers
So we are passing the time adding to the list. he figures if he does this I will not go crazy at the prospect of no heirs to the family name. And I guess it could work. We shall see.
So if any of you out there reading this.....have any experience with the post-IVF body functions...please drop me a line!!! I would love to know more.

2 If By Sea

2009-07-12T18:01:00.003-04:00

Well, it is all over! I feel so relieved and just so relaxed right now. I got there this morning, Dr met with me and reviewed how we did. (I have to back up for a minute....hubby didn't come with me and for some reason I was totally ok with it.) I guess I thought I would be more relaxed if he wasn't there anyway. So Dr gave me pictures of my 2 embies. One of the four only developed to a 5 cell and probably would go no further. The other was shaped weird like an amoeba, but the cells were beautiful inside. he said he has seen these go onto be live births but he wanted to observe it until day 5 then freeze if it makes it. That leaves us with the last two, both 7-9 cells he said perfect for where they should be and he gave me a 50 to 60% chance of getting pregnant. And I will take that and run with it! I got pictures of my embies and a sono of them in my uterus, hopefully to be used in some baby book/s later on.

I came home to a wonderful dinner and a dozen long stem roses. Now we are back to nature taking it's course and I am ok with that. I am ok with whatever happens in the next 12 days. And for shits and giggles I bought a pineapple. Here goes nothing!! And as hubby said, it is up to Mother Nature...let's hope we tipped her enough.

Thank you all for all your encouragement, this has tested my strength and the person I am. I am thrilled for it to be over and the waiting game begins. I am keeping level headed about everything and not thinking too far ahead. Thank you for reading my rants and for your support.

Cheaper By The Dozen.......

2009-07-10T08:11:00.004-04:00

Update:
Doctor called. Of the 12- 1 had no egg, 1 was immature. 4 did not fertilize 4 fertilized. So out of my 12 I have 4 growing. he said one was mis-shapened but nothing he is concerned about. He also said that the source of my issues could very well stem from poor egg quality. He said the Zona on mine were a little weird. And could be the issue, how they get around that is the Assisted Hatching. So I am afraid there will be nothing to freeze and I am ok with that. I do not think I could go through again. Whatever will be will be. I am hoping for good news Sunday, that we get 2 nice embies for transfer. Time will Tell....tomorrow might be the longest day ever.

***************************************************
well, what an experience Retrieval as. I was scared out of my mind! The anesthesiologist was amazing. very delicate and caring. Explained everything he was doing and that helped. The nurse and the Doc enter the room and I see the syringe go into my IV and instantly I get tingly....nice. And I guess at that moment I said something to the effect of" Wow, Michael Jackson had the right idea...." and BOOM out like a light. before I knew it I was awake and the procedure was over. Really?? That is it?? OK. I survived!!! yes, I had anxiety I would be one of those people who never woke up due to some accidental circumstances. Overactive imagination, if you will. The nurse was asking me if I remebered what I said, and told me I was hysterical and had them all cracking up.

So I was ready to go in 5-10 minutes ready to get dressed. The pain was not that horrible. Just really bad cramps that went away with some ibuprofen. Before we left the Nurse told us how many we got.....and we got 12!! I am beyond happy. I was not expecting that at all. In fact, I purposely was thinking a lower number and just going to be happy with 6 or 7. 12 was beyond my expectations. I think all the good eating I have been doing paid off!!! Now BRING ON THE PINEAPPLE!!!!

Today I am waiting for the fertility report. Nurse will be calling sometime today to let me know quality and what is growing, transfer day, and all that jazz. So I am calmly waiting for that. (Sort of Calmly....ha!) Today I am feeling ok, started Progesterone. Last night I woke up a lot to pee and holy christmas the gas is unreal. Ha! Thank goodness I have a cube far away. That seems to be my only discomfort. I feel 10 pounds lighter after the retrieval. So cheers....here is to my little babies cooking 400 miles away! come on my little blobs....you can do it I want you so bad I can taste it. So close! So close to all those wonderful things....baby clothes, diapers, cribs, the smell of baby. So close!!!!!

And Still They Grow......

2009-07-07T16:58:00.004-04:00

Today was a BUSY day! Got the Doctor's office, left the house at 5:45 am. I got there at 10am my stomach in knots. Just hoping something grew over night. So, my friend the sono wand and I got familiar once again. And I met with the Dr today too! The elusive Dr! He told me I have 10 follicles!! So happy. Sizes 15, 16,16,16, 18,18, 19 I think I missed a couple because that is only 8.
Dr said that of the 10 he would expect 7-or so eggs. He also said that if that were the case he would ICSI them all and call me on Friday for a fertility report.

We can expect transfer Saturday, Sunday or Tuesday. I would be a big fan of not having to take another day off work that is for sure. I can not believe it is here, finally here. All my hopes and dreams hang on these next few days. I feel mysteriously calm. I think because I know I have absolutely no control of this situation. I am hoping for the best. So far nurse and the Dr seem to think everything is going well, slow ans steady wins the race....quality over quantity.

Trigger tonight, retrieval is Thursday morning. Grammy, Dad send me a baby. I have been so patient. I want to be a Mommy. I want to give all my love away and see my husband in his eyes. Send me an angel/angels. Miss you both.

Another Road Trip

2009-07-06T17:52:00.005-04:00

Sono this morning revealed not enough growth. The sizes on the Right if I can remember ranged from 12-15 and the Left 18, 17, (2) 16, 15, 14 an entire range but not large enough. So one more day of stims and back to North Carolina again tomorrow for another sono, meds teaching and pre-op prep. Retrieval is Thursday. So this is not devastating or anything just really kills me missing so much work. I am using vacation days but it still is a little stressful to be gone 3 days this week.
I am trying to relax but my husband has already stirred the pot on that one. I just keep saying to myself that this will all be over soon and no more missing work. ( We are laying a bunch of people off this week so it is really un-nerving to miss any work this week.)
I emailed my boss and all he knows is I am having an in office surgery procedure I am sure that will be fine. Gee whiz....can you tell I am Catholic?? DO I carry enough guilt around or what???
Hopefully a better update tomorrow!

And the Total is......

2009-07-03T20:22:00.002-04:00

14!!!! I had my sono today and I have 14 follicles that hopefully will ripen into some mighty fine eggs! Nurse said I am responding to the meds wonderfully and I am right on track. For the record....
Right Ovary:
4 Follicles -sizes 11,10,10,10

Left Ovary: (Working over-time for Team Baby)
10 Follicles- Sizes
12, 12,10,11,9,12,12,12,13,10

That is impressive! I guess that is why I feel like I am carrying around 2 bowling balls. They will grow to about 18-20mm and then they are ready to go. In fact I am going back Monday morning for the last sono. Nurse thinks I will be ready to trigger (ovulate) on Monday night no shots Tuesday YAY and then retrieval on Wednesday! I cannot believe this will be over in 4 days!!! This really is better than I hoped for I was prepaired for anything and I think that helped. I have also been SO GOOD eating wise and laying off the beer (so hard to do in the summer on the boat but it is for a good cause ha). So that is it. One major hurdle has been cleared. The next will be to see how many are actually viable eggs. I know 14 does not really mean 14 I am prepaired for 75% to be usable and of those 50% will fertilize. I think if I keep level headed and realistic anything more will be a BONUS!! Now I am off to put my feet up, Ovaries are sore!

Let The Bloating Begin.......

2009-07-02T10:37:00.002-04:00

Meds have kicked in, feeling so craptacular today! Stomach is making all kids of gurgling noises like it is alive. I am not hungry, ate cereal for breakfast and felt worse. Pretty bloated, just feeling like I ran out of room in there or something. I am anxious for tomorrow's sonogram. It will tell a tale, a tale of how I am doing stimulation wise and what we have to work with. I would have been on stims for 7 days and on average it is a 9-10 day process. So we should see some good numbers tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

I have been eating all Organic this week. And whole dairy, eggs=eggs. So I stocked up on the Eggland's Best. Trying to be real good, drinking my powerade. Not much else I can do at the moment but hold my breath until tomorrow! Oh please, please,please let there be some good things going on in there!!!!

Meds Update

2009-06-30T09:16:00.002-04:00

So I am 4 days into what I like to call the "hard core" shit. And so far so good. I am keeping track of how much water I am drinking, very important to stay hydrated. I do not feel anything yet, except for gas and an upset stomach. Friday will be the BIG reveal to see what is going on in there and what is growing (or not). My antral follicle count was 28 so let"s all cross our fingers that some of them are growing nice and plump. This mooring I imagined my ovaries like big grapes on a vine getting all plump and juicy. I have to think that positive imagery and energy will only do me good. I feel more positive than I ever have before (thank you Zoloft for getting me through this). Ha!! Now my secret is out, stay calm compliments of Zoloft ha!

So I will breath easy after Friday's appointment, Nurse Ratchet will be able to give me an idea of when retrieval will be after seeing how I am responding to the meds.
And a recap on the meds:
6/15/09-6/26/09:
10cc Lupron

6/27/09-?
Morning:
.5cc Lupron
150 IU Follistim

Evening
150 Follistim
Prenatal Vitamin
Tonight will be my last PM shot then I am down to just morning shots. Unless Friday finds me not responding to the meds and I might be back. We will see!!!!

TMI.....

2009-06-26T08:14:00.004-04:00

So...I have to say I have nothig but respect for anyone who has gone through this process more than once. I KNOW that I could not do this again, mentally or physically. It is amazing to me just how strong you have to be. I am on my second period of the month now. or so I guess....I think my poor body is just so confused at the moment. I had what they call "break through bleeding" for like 7 days just stopped finally last week. And last night all of sudden here come cramps again and more need for femine products. And it dawned on me this morning while I was driving ro work...."embrace the process". Don't hate it don't fight it. Just go with it and let it move like the energy in the universe around you. So that is my mantra for the day, for the weekend. Let it move through me and embrace the process.

It is so hard not to skip ahead and start thinking about all the wonderful "baby" things I could buiy, or how we would tell family. I seriously had to picture myself pushing those thoughts out of my head. Just like Adelle says..."I build my self up, and fly around in circles waiting as my heart drops..." And that is what I do time and time again. I imagine all these wonderful things and scenarios only to be utterly dissapointed in the end. so there is a fine line between being hopeful and positive and setting oneself up for a hard fall. I can only stand by and watch as if this is someone else's journey and wait to see what happens.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen."

The Money Shot

2009-06-25T12:40:00.003-04:00

I call this the Money Shot...because this is what $3,000 in Medication Looks like. No good IVF Blog wouold be right with out the gratuitous "Meds picture".

Well, so yesterday's appointment went VERY well. Nurse Ratchet and I made up. She has given me the green light to start my stim meds! I start this Saturday, go back for stim check on July 3rd, back again July 6th. And retrieval is somewhere between July 8th-10th. That is like 2 weeks away! I freaked out a little thinking about just how close I am to what I have DREAMED of for so long! So many emotions. Scared, excited. I am trying to keep my composure and not jump ahead of myself. Concentrate on today and not 2 weeks from now. Take it as it comes and not jump ahead. It feels so real right now, and that is more than I have had in last 4 years! I am cautiously hopeful.

And our deal is if this does not work I get a puppy and he gets a house boat. We will drowned our sorrows in material things. Well, sort of I will get to breed Goldens. So just in case I have already started looking at Golden Retrievers in the area.

Loopy on Lupron

2009-06-21T10:04:00.002-04:00

So far so good....I figured out the trick to the Lupron shots. For a couple of days there they were feeling like bee stings. I don't think I was pinching my skin hard enough and the Lupron was too cold from the fridge. So I let it sit out for 10 minutes now and I get a good pinch of the skin and barely any pain. Side affects....the sun seems to bother me and being hot. We went to the boat yesterday and it was very uncomfortable. Hubby was so sweet too....reminded me about the sun block and bought me a six pack of Sprite in loo of beer! So sweet! My tummy is upset for maybe 15 minutes after I inject but then goes away. Other than that just waiting for Wednesday to see what the next steps are. Two girls from my old thread are PG so that is super hopeful. I pray to G-D that this works for me. Will I be one of the lucky ones??

When you think about how many people you know who have difficulty getting pregnant it is amazing that any of us are here to begin with. Back in the 1800's they barely had medicine...let alone any of the modern conveniences we have today. But people got pregnant and delivered babies. Now a days it seems like a common thing to know someone with fertility issues. I envy those lucky people who do not have to spend money to have a baby. OK...off on a tangent...ha!
More on Wednesday after RE visit! Peace out.

Feeling Good

2009-06-17T12:15:00.003-04:00

I have this st rage calmness these days. I am just so happy to finally be out of limbo and moving toward some sort of resolution to all of this. I cannot even believe that this will be over and done with in 2-3 weeks. I am over the tongue lashing from my nurse. I am not going to let her shake my confidence that this will work or not. And I will be pleasant at my appointment next Wednesday. I sort of feel like she has my outcome in her hands so I have no choice I guess. But I will not accept it if it happens again and I will speak up.

Day 3 of the Lupron and so far not too many side affects just an upset tummy.

I am just amazed at how calm and collected I feel. And there really is no other way to do this. I am staying away from anything anxiety related and just going to go one day at a time. All you can do......

RE Visit #4

2009-06-14T08:55:00.005-04:00

OK, so yesterday I went back for an ultrasound to find out if the cyst was still an issue. Good news I can start my Lupron. I wish the visit put me on a high with this good news but it was not that great of a visit. While I appreciate that the nurse opened the clinic just for me on Saturday I am still disturbed by our conversation. Or should I say....her bitching me out? I was in complete shock that I just had nothing to say and I did one of those sat there in shock. Stunned by what had happened. We had a small mis-communication. No big deal but she flew off the handle scolding me and saying things that have stuck and I HATE THAT! When I can replay it in my head over and over and let it affect my confidence. And some of the things she said I need to know but I do not need it yelled at me and scolding me. Basically what happened was....we were discussing next appointments. I start my Lupron and the next steps are crucial. She asked "what days are better for me to come" I told her if I HAD to choose Fridays are easier but prefer Sat so I do not have to take off so much work. Well she goes away for 15 minutes comes back and starts giving me my dates. And I realize oh shit. July 4th I have to come back July 4th? So as I am ready to leave I feel I have to ask if that is negotiable like can I come the day before the day after and she frigain wigs out on me! "Jeanine, that is why I went through the whole song and dance about days you could come. You are just like everybody else. " What?? I am?? We sort of have a work party and I didn't want to send my husband on his own is all. And in my head I ma thinking you asked me what days were good fro me? Not what days in July I could not come because for vacation or work? So was PISSED she went back to her calendar and was gone for like 15 minutes...then I remember oh shit In laws are coming in July am I going to over lap that? And what is convenient for my husband? I was just super overwhelmed. If this was not all enough. She comes back in a huff and lectures me about how their job is to amke a baby and we paid money and how I am over weight and she needs to see me certain days to identify if the meds will get sucked in by my extra fat. How I am border line PCOS and need to be monitored. What???? PCOS? News to me!!! So now I have my IVF nurse utterly pissed at me because I mis understood what she said. And apparently I am borderline PCOS which was devistating to me. I just do not do well with people being mad at me at all, and now I am scared to death that I have not worked hard enough to make this work. If I would have known about the PCOS thing I would have done more or ate better. I mean I have been recently and it has been in the back of my mind my weight. And now it is too late to fix any of that. I can't loose 10 ponds in a week so if this does not work will I ever forgive myself? And all this self doubt is from one conversation with my nurse. I completely respect her/them and she has done the right thing by me, I am seriously hoping she was just having a bad day. And now I have to some how let all this go and try to ge through the rest of this process.

I feel better now I guess, it's out there and now I just have to move on and see what happens. Later......the obligatory "meds" photo. Yes, I will dazzle you with my meds! Scary.

RE Visit #3

2009-06-06T10:42:00.002-04:00

So wish there was something good to report, but no there isn't. The cyst was bigger something the nurse didn't expect. So 4 hours driving with the hopes of starting meds just to get bad news. Sure it is not devastating and it will go away it is just prolonging this entire process and that is the hard part. The nurse assured me this happens, not often, but it does happen. Two things come to mind....1) Is this a sign of things to come....once I get on the Lupron after this goes away will there be abother one that prevents me from starting the stimulation meds? 2) Could this have been the underlying problem all along? I am sure it cannot help fertility having cysts? Back in my 20's I was hospitalized because a cyst burst they thought it was my apendix but after an internal sonogram they saw fliud and realized thta is what it was. Then in Texas when we did are IUI's I also had a cyst but the RE said it was not an issue and we proceded with the medication.
So just some food for thought I guess. I am trying to be patient but this is getting really annoying. Nothing I can do for now, next appointment is next Saturday. At least I do not have to use any more vacation time for these visits. She said she can work me in on the weekends now. So we shall see what happens...more next week as the saga continues!
Grant me strength!

RE visit # 2

2009-06-01T10:33:00.002-04:00

My trek to North Carolina was uneventful. I was afraid the driving would be dreadful, but I must say it is pretty nice. I think next drive I might stop at one the side-of-the-road Peach and Jelly places. I know once the husband comes with me we will stop for fireworks no doubt!

So I got there and they did a sonogram and it showed a pesky residual cyst. Apparently very common and very annoying. It pushes everything back a week. So no meds were started yet and I have to go back this Friday to see if it is gone. Now the "old me" might have been devastated and cried and carried on yet another set back. BUT I was not! No why, you ask?? BECAUSE I PAID!!! That is right, in my mind I have gotten further than I ever had before! Sure I would have like to start the meds but the nurse explained how important it is to shrink this little bugger and start with some fresh healthy ovaries. So I am eating well this week, maintain my work out routine all in the hopes of shrinking this rock in road!

Also hoping that work does not start to ask why am I constantly out......So here is to a good and fast week and Cyst-free Friday! Woo Hoo!!

VICTORY......

2009-05-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

Well, maybe sometime it pays to go through all the headaches with insurance, because after a certain amount of time you become wise. I called the pharmacy to find out if an authorization was received for my meds. And there was nothing in yet. I thought, well I got one before somehow (still not sure how that little miracle took place...) so why not with this? Then it dawned on me to ask the pharmacist if we could just try putting in a refill for the med that was giving us the trouble? And sure enough it worked!!! AMEN! I get lucky yet again with the meds only $150 for what could have been $1500!!! let us hope this is a sign of things to come! Who knows these meds could be the lucky batch!!!

Tomorrow is my second appointment in North Carolina. I will leave around 6:30-7am. I believe tomorrow is the Saline Sonogram and meds class! Hopefully I will get an idea of what the next 2 weeks will look like medication wise and travel wise. I will have to go back at least 2 times I think for monitoring. So it all starts tomorrow! Holy cow!!

Always an obstacle.....

2009-05-27T10:04:00.005-04:00

Since I changed Doctors from Georgia to North Carolina....my new RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) changed my meds up a ilittle form the first doctor. Now if you are are just joining the show, two things about IVF meds 1) they are expensive and 2) they are expensive.
So imagine the JOY I had when my first batch of meds were completly covered under insurance? I felt like I won the lottery! These meds usually run anywhere from $2,000-$4,000. My new Doctor has gone through my vast collection of already purchased meds and has decided to add some things to the aresenol. Follistim being the major change and of course the MOST expensive. The forst quote I received was abround $1500 for the additional batch. I am trying to go through my old pharmacy to see if I get lucky again and this by some miracle is covered.
This entire process is just FILLED with road block and problems. I am trying so hard to take this in stride and chock it up to whatever it is it is. But I know as wonderful as my husband is this additional curve ball will be a sore point. And yes, I am already dreading having to tell him if my pharmacy cannot preform the insurance-coverage miracle!
Pharmacist just called....he is dilligently working on it. I should know something I guess soon. And really in the scheme of things this is really the least of my worries. Just when it comes to money and the husband.....well let's just say he is frugal!

I know there will be other issues, like taking off work. I will not really be able to give too much notice when we do the retrieval/transfer. I will need a couple of days I am sure during the stimming to trek 8 hours for the sonograms to make sure my little eggies are getting ripe. Just trying to work it all out in my head. I seriously have to keep reminding myself that I have ZERO control over this process. I need to trust the Dr trust science trust the universe. AND LET GO! Then and only then will I get through this.

My wonderful Husband.....

2009-05-20T14:00:00.003-04:00

So after talking today with someone I realized something so amazing about my husband. That maybe he may not be the mushiest man in the world. But there are times in life when he shows me just how much he loves me. And I get a glimpse of what is inside his heart. The first memorable time was my 30th birthday. What a GRAND party! He rented a tent, had it catered, hired a band ....who learned our wedding song and my FAVORITE song of all time (Brandy, by "Looking Glass"). He hired a waitress to follow me arounfd anmkae sure my cup wan never empty, and invited my entire family and his. It was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. And a legendary party that family/friends still talk about!
Well it dawned on my that this IVF is also along those lines. This has to be so hard for him, probably more than I will ever know. Hard that we are in this place, hard that we have to spend the money....all of it. Yet he is doing this and I assume because he knows what it means to me.
So for that I am forever grateful and more in love today than I have ever been. I do not think many people can say that. I for the first time realized that no matter what happens we will be ok and make it through this no matter what.

Maybe someday I will show him this.....I hope he knows what he means to me. I do try and show it every day, that he is loved and appreciated. He is so very precious to me.

First appointment.....

2009-05-17T08:40:00.003-04:00

So...I woke up Friday morning with a determination. To make it to North Carolina and get this thing started. I was out of the house by 6:30 am and on the road to my future. The drive was beautiful lots of lush greenery. Along the way my path was saturated with subtle signs I was going the right way and made the right decision. You cannot help but feel that way sometimes when you look for signs you are on the right path. Before I left my husband told me to grab his American Express Card in case I needed to make a deposit. When I put it in my wallet I found an old fortune from a fortune cookie that said " Something Wonderful is going to Happen to you". Please? Really?? Then on the road for 15 minutes...Babies R Us...ok. Then halfway there I pass a town in SC called Shelby, then again in NC. Shelby is the girls name that I have been loving in my head secretly for a girl. Now are these signs or just things I choose to twist in my favor I don't know?? I am going to go with signs and keep positive!!!

I arrived at 10:30am, the office was very easy to find. tastefully decorated and cozy. I was comfortable right away. I met with the IVF nurse, the Dr the financial director everything all set. They did a sonogram my antra-follicle count was 28. The nurse said this was great not too many and not too few. Too many and you do not get good quality, too few well you know. No babies. So 28 is the pool in which we will feed from. I started birth control pills last night and my next appointment will be the 29th of May. At this appointment Saline sonogram checking the uterine cavity for polyps and cysts on the ovaries. As long as everything is clear we go on to Lupron.....that for 10 days then onto stims!!! Holy sh*t this is happening! We are looking at retrieval around second or third week in June. All in all this process will be 6 weeks. I will be praying alot!!! So stay tuned it will be getting interesting!!!

Have to start somewhere.....

2009-05-14T07:32:00.002-04:00

And it starts tomorrow with a 4 hour drive to North Carolina. It is weird I feel like I am going to the right place and I have not been there, something in my guts tells me this is where I need to be. I think Georgia would have been more like rearing cattle, no one really know s you you are just another patient out of hundreds. But North Carolina I will get treated individually and I am hoping they will see my pain and want to help me and do whatever they can to get me pregnant. Wow, I am looking forward to getting this started it has been a long time coming. This is what I have wanted and now I have to do whatever I can to savor it all and do it all right. So no more caffeine, not that I had that much to begin with. And no alcohol. Eating right and continuing my exercise. I will do my part and science will do his! God willing. OK a small prayer right now to give me the strength I need ot get through this. Thank you for my family and my friends that help me struggle this time in my life, without any of you I would have gone nuts a long time ago.

So I think this blog will be getting one hell of a workout the next 2 months! Cheers!

Truly A Journey.....

2009-05-06T08:51:00.003-04:00

A journey through patience! I just want it to be over and done with already. But it will be soon enough, this time no stopping and stalling. This is it. Now the question is will it be Georgia or north Carolina??? NC is only $7500 including ICSI and Assisted Hatching. Georgia a whopping $13,500! BUT......for that price they have added a bonus round for free if you do not take home a baby, all the free frozen transfers you can manage and an entire second cycle for NOTHING. Pretty good. The downside to NC 4hr drive, who really wants to commute while doing this? And husband does not want to miss a whole lot of work downside to Georgia $13,500....LOL. So I told him I would be agreeable to whatever he decides I will just be happy to do it at all! Now I just have to get through this week and make it to next Friday first appointment and start birth control pills! Woo Hoo!!

Oh the irony!

Cheers

2009-04-24T16:47:00.004-04:00

Ok, well it has been a long time. All is quiet finally on the western front. we had a huge meeting today at work...things are officially ok. Ok enough we can do this. I scheduled my appointment for may 15th, and from there it will fly by. This new place seems quicker than GRS. 2 weeks on BCP compaired to an entire month (cycle) so I am happy about that. Sort of like a band aid just rip it off and get it over with already!

Of course until the moment i am in my car driving to this appointment it will not be totally real.

Hanging In There.....

2009-03-05T10:59:00.003-05:00

Still trying to stay afloat here. To add insult to injury the State of Georgia has proposed two bills to be voted on today. One could change IVF as we know it and possibly jeapordize the entire existence of it.

Senate Bill 169 would restrict doctors' ability to perform IVF in accordance with best medical standards. Here are the key provisions:
- No more than 2 or 3 eggs could ever be fertilized in a cycle; if a woman produced more eggs, they still could not be used.
- Only 2 embryos could ever be transferred to the uterus, unless the woman is age 40 or over (then a max of 3).
- No extra embryos could be cryopreserved. If they are created, they have to be transferred.
- No financial relief, such as insurance coverage, is proposed to help with the added financial burden of using less effective treatment. Patients will still have to pay out of pocket for less effective treatment..
- Bans all financial compensation for donor gametes, such as egg donor, sperm donor, or embryo donation, which would reduce the pool of available donors in Georgia.

I just cannot even wrap my head around what this could mean if it does get passed. results tomorow.......

One Big Cranky Bitch....

2009-02-18T09:28:00.004-05:00

So some girls and I are doing a "cleanse diet" this week and in my current state of mind I am finding myself very moody. I feel a little bad about my mood but nothing I can really do I guess. The cleanse is supposed to be really good for you gets rid of toxins in your body and blah blah blah. Also supposed to jump start weight loss which is what I am really after. I am findin gthe lack of meet very hard to deal with I snuck a chicken leg last night I couldn't take it! I am not sure how vegitarians do this.....I do not miss bread, cheese nothing but MEAT! I am going to stick it out though. So I am trying to work through my crankiness along with my overall bad mood with the state of things.
My IVF nurse called yesterday and we talked for a bit. I explained I wanted to start back up again BUT I might have to postpone again depending on certain things (husband). So I am to call with the start of my next menses which will be Sun/Mon so I would go back on the birth control pills...start drugs on March 23rd. This would put retrieval at around April 13th or so. So we will see what happens. So we have 3 weeks to get our 2 appointments complete. I still have no answer on any of this but I am going to just keep on planning. Ther is no reason not to. None what so ever. Oh wait the economy is bad....there you go there is the reason.

Waiting Still........

2009-02-17T08:03:00.004-05:00

So I just do not know anymore. I am trying to work all this out but it is so hard. Why can't I just forget about children and be happy with life? I don't know and it tortures me. And my husband. He is not in the same place as I am and I am forcing the issue. He has no interest what so ever I am alone in this. So do I just go ahead and make appointments and hope he shows up? WTF? Why can't he just help me? And want this just a little. Instead he talks on and on about buying another house for an investment. If we can do that we can surely afford an IVF. It is never the right time it is never a priority. I am almost to the point of giving up. I don't want to talk to anyone (family that is) friends sort of understand at least they try. On Saturday I got a call from a family member who knew about the IVF and I am not sure how the hell she found out. I am usually sad when they do not call me but I tell you what it is easier when they do not call then to have to Field questions about the IVF and kids and what is going on. I just want to crawl in a ball. How the hell does she know??? I am not sure why that bothered me so much still do not know. Just nothing I want to talk about with her. So he will not talk to me about this and I am getting spent over it. Will he win and just suck the will out of me for kids so he does not have to spend any money?? Does anyone have an answer? Why is this so fucking hard? Work is fine everything is ok, he was told that he is not loosing his job so that should be more than enough to go on with the plans. But there are so many excuses and I am getting tired. I don't get it. Bottom line I am making appointments he shows up great if not I am not sure what will happen next. I just wish he was a little with me on this or at least could talk to me.

Light at the end of the tunnel????

2009-02-11T08:13:00.002-05:00

OK, so I had my rant yesterday. I think I seriously needed to purge all of that from my system. It is just a hard nut to swallow that "everything happens for a reason" and there is a "bigger picture". I am just tired emotionally from it all. The waiting the hoping the longing for this thing. I tried to let it go but it finds me, finds me and doesn't let go.

So the husband had some encouraging news yesterday....he was talked to by his boss regarding future plans and where he fits in the scheme of things. There will be another pay cut but we will be ok. That will not be until July, when he told me another pay cut I completely shut down. in my mind all I could see was another reason he would not want to go through with this. BUT...much to my surprise he had some encouraging thoughts about it. AND it could possibly be that we can pick up where we left off next month. I am hoping I can get a more solid confirmation but he seemed to feel more at ease with his place in the company and there is a job for him and that was what we were waiting for. I say we need to do this and get it past us either it works or it does not and I Can move on emotionally either way. I feel better than I did yesterday, now I just need a committment that this is a go again....and maybe just maybe there is some light at the end of the long dark freakin tunnel!!!

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

2009-02-10T09:28:00.003-05:00

Waiting and more waiting, it is not over yet. We still have no resolution on our jobs....if DH will ever be ok to do this under ANY circumstance. And the more I thought about it the more we have to do this and not adopt. I got very emotional with the thought of not having a "Little Ricky" so in my heart i know now we have to do this and see it through. However fucking long it takes.....tick tock. Waiting. Tick Tock my eggs are getting older by the day and more useless by the day. I feel useless. I try to be happy and muster up some personality these days but it is so hard. I have an empty gut wrenching hole that has no end in sight of being filled. I want to get out of this funk but it is hard. I do not want to talk to anyone. I do not want to hear anything I just want to crawl into bed until all this is over. Will it ever fucking be over? Can anyone understand how torturing this is???? NO and I do not care to explain it anymore. So I will just sit here and take it. He wanted his car and got it I hate looking at that fucking thing in my garage some days I just want to plow my car into accidentally when I park in the garage oops. There goes your stupid corvette. That was sure important to get. But something as important as having a family takes the fucking back burner to EVERYTHING! Sick of it. Our salaries got cut at work so there is another fantastic reason not to go ahead with the IVF next month. It will always be something. Never fucking ending.......until I loose my mind and become some bitter shell of the person I was. It is just eating away at me. And yesterday was such a GREAT affirmation....it is easy to open your heart when things are fantastic. The challenge is to have an open heart when you cannot get what you want. BS....I couldn't believe that was my reading yesterday. Only when you let people in and open your heart will the real miracles happen...blah blah blah. Not in the mood, I tried but I still just want to crawl in a ball with my new friend Vodka...ha.

Roller Coaster

2009-01-26T08:29:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess you can tell by my lat post I had a bad mental day. That is just the roller coaster if infertility, good days bad days. Days when you can take it and days you just cannot. And that was one of those days. We have decided to put thing on hold a little longer than previously thought. And that is just so we know what is going on with work. Hopefully things will be ok and we can move on. Nothing I can do but wait and see. Something that occurred to me though during this break was what about adoption? Why not? Do I really want to mentally f-myself with this IVF? Because that is what it is. $17,000 and no guarantees a better percentage chance of getting pregnant but no guarentees. But adoption you get something in the end, GUARENTEED. And how can you argue about loving a child that is already here? Needing love and a home. My concern is can my husband love a child that is not his? I know I can, I know I can get over all this and love any child I am given no matter how we come to be blessed with it in our lives. I just wonder can he? Something to think about and something to talk about. But for now February is a much needed break from the entire process and a mental health month. Starting the gym again and looking forward to going into the Spring healthy. That is my goal right now. Let's see if I cna put everything else out of my mind.......the roller coaster.

WTF????

2009-01-19T08:23:00.002-05:00

There is so much to say, but I do not even know where to begin. What a fucked up day. Can I get myself out of this emotional hole I am in? I doubt it. I am so tired of wanting something that is not coming. Fuck it.

Trying Times.....

2009-01-15T10:51:00.003-05:00

Well, I was supposed to start meds this week but we have had to put things on hold for the time being. There is a little instability at my job. My husband and I work for the same company and it turns out we are loosing one of our major clients....begins with Home and ends in Depot. Needless to say we were all shocked but no one was as shocked as us. For the longest time we were always worried about working for the same company and if this very circumstance happened what would we do? And in light of our current situation it is even more devastating. My poor husband worried for two days how he was going to tell me. When he finally did, I tried to be as brave as I could but in the back of my mind I was freaking out! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????? I was SO CLOSE to getting this over with! I was resistant at first about postponing, but once I looked past my own feelings and saw how bad this was affecting him, I suggested we wait. He was so relieved he didn't want to say it but it really is the best thing. And it is nothing in the scheme of things. I re-scheduled everything with the nurse and we moved our appointment to Feb 11th, I start the Lupron on Feb 13th, staying on the birth control pills until then. And it is not the end of the world, we will know where we stand with the company, and so far we have been told we are "key players" so that is good enough for now. So, instead of a Thanksgiving baby/babies...potentially could be Christmas babies/baby! And what a gift that would be!!

As far as work, the company has 7 other companies under it's umbrella and we are being used for them. The postponement just gives us room to make sure we are not with out jobs if I were to get pregnant. Being pregnant with out insurance would be NOT an OPTION, it is the responsible thing to do. It sucks being responsible...but I would rather do this then put ourselves in a financial nightmare! Patience, and one day at a time. So once again the Blog becomes boring for a while....I was hoping to start the "fun stuff" the RE visits and what not. We do have the psyche visit on Saturday still so there will be more to report! So for now we are in a Holding Pattern....

Finally Insurance comes through!!!!

2009-01-08T09:44:00.002-05:00

This is the happiest post of my life I think. After so many disappointments dealing with insurance companies and infertility I finally had some LUCK! And that is exactly what it is because according to my benefits I only have coverage for diagnostic events. So they can tell me what is wrong but do nothing about it....(that is another rant entirely). So the pharmacy where I am getting all my Meds for this IVF called on Tuesday with my GRAND TOTAL. Which I expected to be about $3000 plus, here is how the conversation went:

Bette (like as in Bette Midler): Jeanine, I have the total of your meds, I am happy to say I was able to get everything covered and your total is $219.80.

Me: Do you have the right number?

Bette: Laughs....yes, Jeanine Stehr, right?

Me: Really? Are you sure? BCBS??? $219.80? Really? Are you sure Jeanine Stehr?? YOU MADE MY DAY!!!

Bette: Laughing louder.....I am so glad! The last girl hung up with me crying her bill was $4,000. I am so happy I could make your day!

Bette and I are now long time friends...my meds will be delivered today so expect the obligatory
"IVF Meds Picture" in tomorrow's post!!

Milestones...

2009-01-05T13:29:00.002-05:00

Today is a huge one...today I am married 8 wonderful years. I dedicate this post to my wonderful husband! He is not only wonderful for going through all this for me and with me, but for the laughs we share and the home we have made. A home that is filled with love. I am grateful for many things in this life and he is the tip of the iceberg! Thank you honey for 8 wonderful years!

Another milestone....my brother left for the Navy today. I am filled with nothing but hope for him and his future. He and I have been through a lot and to see him accomplish this, is nothing short of spectacular. Of course I will have it in the back of my mind how he is doing, but I never again will worry if he is OK. He is free to start his life and I am so proud of him.

The last milestone....my IVF nurse called today all appointments are set and we are beginning!
The calender looks like this:
1/14- Meeting with Dr sign consents, Saline Sono for me, BW for him.
1/17-Meet with counselour
1/19- Start lupron
1/30- Baseline Ultra Sound
1/31- Start Stims!!!
2/13- Tentative egg retrieval (or ER as we in the infertile world call it!)
Egg Transfer or ET will be anywhere from 3-5 days. after that If it is 5 day transfer that could be fantastic...they say 5 day transfer is a great place ot be. Time will tell.....and more about that when we get there for now one day at a time.

Holy cow is all I can say.....time will tell.

Paying Attention....

2009-01-03T09:32:00.003-05:00

I have had a book for many years...I wouldn't really call it a book rather a manual for life. It is a book of affirmations. It has helped me through the best and worst of times of life. I remember when I lived in my apartment in Queens working in Flushing how completely lonely I was. I yearned for a "love of my life." I found everything but, and I have to say this book got me through many heart aches and lead me on a good path that DID lead me to the love of my life. I am trusting this book to lead me on the right path again as I take this wild and crazy ride. It will help me stay grounded and not loose perspective....

Jan 3
"Trust your Heart
For so long you relied on your head. Now it's time to make shift-the great leap into your heart.
Are you beginning to see how your head gets in the way? How it creates so much noise? The chatter the limited vision, the fear? Are you beginning to see what you have relied on-your intellect, your assessments, and sometimes logic have complicated your life?
.....The heart sees clearly. It balances the mind and emotions. It takes what is real processes it into truth, then into action."

-"Learn to listen to your inner voice. Listen to your heart. It's your connection to God, to people, to the universe, to yourself."

See what I mean?? That is what I need to do, trust my heart, trust my body (that it will know what to do when it is called upon) and most of all trust the Dr, that I do not know more than she does!!

New Beginnings.....

2009-01-02T08:02:00.004-05:00

New beginnings.....I think that says it all really. I know that with every ending of something there is a new beginning. A journey that teaches you things along the way. What have I learned so far??? Patience, and to appreciate what is around me, my home my husband, how fortunate I am in so many other ways. I have come to some great crossroads here I think. On New Year's Eve rather then filled with all the usual feelings I have had in the past..."this is the year we have a child", I was filled with great peace. I can honestly say I have never felt that before. I felt calm, and I think this will be key going forward. I think I will be able to get through and handle what ever is to come. I think I am so tired of revolving my every thought around the children I do not have that I am finally ready to let it all go and I know this is not something I can control. It is up to a very mean Mother Nature, sometimes I really do not like her. But maybe we can be friends after all. She does give me so many other things that I Cherish.

So with that I am totally ready to see where this journey leads me, I think it will be a great soul search as well. Can I come out the other end OK? we will see. I started "the pill" Wednesday night and I am about to leave "the message" for my IVF nurse......and so it begins!

Let's Start This Thing......

2008-12-31T09:11:00.003-05:00

So this is my first entry! I am excited and nervous, I wanted to start this blog to help me get through the process I am about to undergo. I think it will help me get my feelings out and deal with what ever may come. So here is my background story.....
Married in 2001 we waited until we purchased our first house and our finances were in place to start a family. Only we have tried and tried and have never even had so much as accident or a miscarriage nothing. Not that I would ever want a miscarriage but at least I would know my body is trying? So we have been trying since 2005, in 2006 we moved to Texas and I started seeing a Reprodctive Endocronologist in 2007. We did two IUI's with him and nothing. In 2008, we moved to Georgia I found another doctor here. And she reviewed all my testing and records and said that we had a 5% chance of conceiving on our own, that we could try another IUI but the better bang for the buck would be to undergo IVF.

And so ensued the quest! First, I had to convince my husband that we indeed needed this and had to spend this money. Not a very easy task I assure you. But in the end he has agreed to go down this path me and I have agreed to let it go if it does not work. So thank you anyone who reads this, and I also hope in some way I can give back what others have given to me. I would search for blogs like this and read them intently to see the happy ending to give me hope. I pray that I can do the same for someone else who is where I am now!